The one thing the new guy is teaching me is how to relax. We spend hours upon hours in bed just holding each other and rubbing each others backs and massaging each other. He likes to cuddle!! We went out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend, which was something new...and then we came back to my house and relaxed. Nothing like some wine and well, we did something I haven't done in a long time...I got stoned! I was never into it as a younger person but I actually really like it. It makes my mind go free. And I giggle and giggle and giggle.
We lied in my bed and he began kissing me and I could feel his cock was hard. We quickly undressed and had some good ass sex. Deep thrusts....very deep and fast and hard....then he likes to cum on me...and I will fingerpaint with his cum all over my body. With the cum on my face, he kissed me and we smooshed the cum all over our faces. It was hot!
Next was my tub. There is nothing like my tub. With romantic music playing, the jets swirling, a bottle of wine, the candles burning, the moonlight shining in....its a recipe for romance. And how hot a person looks in candlelight and the reflection of the water. Our kisses are unexplainable...they are intense, they are deep, they make me melt into his soul. And he feels it too. There are no words to explain our kisses, they are slow and deep yet fast and intense....we kissed for 40 minutes....craziness. And i took pictures of us kissing and you can see the passion...WOW...To my amazement that just from our kisses, in 103 degree temperature, after just having sex less than an hour before---his cock was hard as a rock. And he was shocked too! Just kissing and sucking on my nipples, makes his cock hard. He loves how pointy my nipples get. He tells me over and over that he hasn't ever seen a finer set of nipples.
Getting out of the tub, we collapsed in the bed. And after some giggles and watching tv, I can't help but start playing with his cock again....but he's like nope, its my turn to eat you. The man kills me...he is such a male version of me. He listens to my moans, he listens to my ahhhs and he pays close attention to what makes me get wet and what makes my clit get all engorged and my muscles pulsate. And just like I do with a blow job, he choreographs the perfect pussy eating. He knows a nibble on my clit with some circles with his tongue, some licks, light circles, fast tongue action, slow tongue action. It's a challenge, it's control....and it kills me that he knows just how to make me cum. Oh I love it but he is so smug that I attempt to hold out....and he laughs because he can feel my clit about to explode, he can feel my body shaking....come on baby, let it go....and he goes in for one more nibble and lick of my clit and I explode....a wave of orgasms as my body thrashes on the bed. And then he fucks me again....its mindblowing.
Five times in 15 hours is pretty damn good. But I do have to teach him to make love. He's petrified, a big step but I like it slow and hot too....and he's willing to learn and we've gone 3/4 but its going to take awhile for him to get that slow, hot, orgasmic sex. But he will.
We were in bed till 2:30pm, watching tv, I love Lucy and just talking, cuddling and laughing. We slept two hours the whole night. Our little sexfests are hot. The laughs we have, the things I think only we would find funny--he's got that same warped humor I have so its hysterical.
Our big joke since we met was that every woman his whole life has tried to rein him in, make him more responsible....but he loves to have fun. Our big joke from day one was that there is no woman who would ever get him to sign up for online banking. At 4AM, totally exhausted--I told him it was time...Yes, I was going to get him to sign up for online banking. He was laughing so hard, its like a major commitment for him..lol And so I sent him out in the cold to get his checkbook and we signed him up. at 6AM, I rolled over and cuddled into him as woke him up with a nice blow job to start the morning off right.....but before I went down to his cock, I whispered...good morning Mr. Online banker.....he laughed and got the best bj of his life!
So, I am relaxed. I am okay with us. He hasn't been sitting online and i haven't been on my online either. It's been nice that we are enjoying each other with no other distractions. As he put it.....we fuck until my cock is going to fall off. do you think I even want to think about another woman after our weekends?!? Aaahh, now there's a plan.....keep screwing till he begs me to stop because his cock is going to fall off.
I am enjoying us. Is it perfect? OMG, it is so headed for destruction for soooo many reasons but for now...I am happy and he is too. Yeah! Don't think is my motto and today I am sooooooooo not thinking!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Have you ever tried to fight love?
The emptiness hurt so much. I could feel a whole in my heart and stomach, it really encompassed my entire chest. Why did we end? There was no specific reason except he needs to find himself and didn't plan on falling in love. Well I didn't plan on falling for him either. Sigh...
At 12:01AM, I sent him a text....Happy Birthday! Wooo Hooo.. xoxoxo
He immediately wrote back, "without even looking at my phone, I knew it was you. And the emptiness in my chest seemed to lighten. These last two days have been hell, I can't think, I can't eat, I have just been thinking about how much I miss you and how insane it is".
He explained how I was feeling to a tee. He was feeling exactly how I was feeling. Empty and lost without him in my life. I called him and we spoke for the next three hours.
He told me how he doesn't care about finding himself because without me he is even more lost. That I am the only sunshine in his life (of course besides his kids) and that the thought of me makes his insides fill with joy. That he was feeling darker and darker and no matter where he turned he would have a flashback of my smile, or think about us together....he was living an internal torture. And for what? I don't know how but I want you in my life that's all I know. I can't make promises, I can't promise it won't be a rocky road but I do not want to be without you. I am either falling in love with you or I am in love with you and I am just fighting it because the timing is wrong. But its ridiculous and I want you.
Well that pretty much summed it up for me. Have you ever tried to fight love? It's an internal tug of war. So I decided last night, I am not going to fight it anymore. I can't imagine the end would hurt anymore than I was hurting the last few days and quite frankly if it does, well at least I jumped in with two feet and enjoyed the ride. If I am going to hurt, I might as well enjoy the ride. I learned that years ago with Mystery Man. I was always afraid he was going to leave, that I didn't totally allow myself to enjoy the time we had together. So after his second departure, I learned to say...okay, he's going to do this again and he will come back so enjoy the time together. And I did, and things felt so right. And yes, he left and I died inside again but I enjoyed our time together.
So now I said again....I am petrified this time. I am scared because of so many reasons but I need to set them aside. Ironically, what is scaring me more now is this funky darkness/sixth sense he has going on. If you don't believe in it, you will think I am insane but I believe in angels and spirits. I just hope my angels and my energy are able to combat that darkside of him. I hope he doesn't drain me. Did I tell you about the light's blowing out two weeks ago? Did I tell you how things fall and no one is around? I believe in that stuff to a point. not obsessed with it but I do believe in it. I think its time to go back to the psychic.
Anyway, I went off track a little. I asked him. when do you think we fell in love? And I knew when I thought it was. We were lying on my bed and he turned to me and he kissed me. And it was a kiss like I have never had in my life. I let all the walls down and totally gave 100% of my inner soul into that kiss. I felt a connection, I felt the energy, I felt the unity that I have never felt before in a kiss. And when he answered....he told me....for him it was that same kiss. I didn't say it first, I waited for him to tell me when it was...lol Yes, he felt that energy and that intenseness too. How crazy.....
So what are we doing? We have no fucking idea! We just know that we want each other and we feel good with each other and that is what we are going to go with. And will the road get rocky? OMG...it will be the sickest ride I have taken yet. But I am willing to see where it takes me. So be prepared because this one is going to make me need my blog and my blogger friends. It's so funny. When things are status quo, even when I was with Mr. Non Weekend, I didnt feel the urge to blog. Oh there are a few things I will catch up on, a summary so I have him in here. But I didn't need to blog...it didn't seem important. But now that I started writing again, I realize how good it is for me and how much it helps me.
And I am sorry for the confusion. I try to fill in the blanks sometimes and I know it gets hard to follow. but hopefully if I can blog regularly it will be easier. So today, its his birthday and we are on to see each other for just a little bit tonight. I bought him a special present that I had engraved. It's a notebook for him to put his creative thoughts. He's brilliant with inventions. Its his passion but he had to put it on hold in order to make money and support his family. But it hurts him so because he loves it. So i bought him this inventors notebook that has his name engraved on it for him to keep going with his ideas even though he can't act on them now. I also bought him a lava lamp because when we first met, he told me that he always wanted a lava lamp. I know he is going to be surprised that I remembered that.
So I am back to work. Feeling much more balanced and my heart is happy again. For how long, I do not know. but this time around, I am going to try and not fight love. I am going to try and just see where the world takes us.
At 12:01AM, I sent him a text....Happy Birthday! Wooo Hooo.. xoxoxo
He immediately wrote back, "without even looking at my phone, I knew it was you. And the emptiness in my chest seemed to lighten. These last two days have been hell, I can't think, I can't eat, I have just been thinking about how much I miss you and how insane it is".
He explained how I was feeling to a tee. He was feeling exactly how I was feeling. Empty and lost without him in my life. I called him and we spoke for the next three hours.
He told me how he doesn't care about finding himself because without me he is even more lost. That I am the only sunshine in his life (of course besides his kids) and that the thought of me makes his insides fill with joy. That he was feeling darker and darker and no matter where he turned he would have a flashback of my smile, or think about us together....he was living an internal torture. And for what? I don't know how but I want you in my life that's all I know. I can't make promises, I can't promise it won't be a rocky road but I do not want to be without you. I am either falling in love with you or I am in love with you and I am just fighting it because the timing is wrong. But its ridiculous and I want you.
Well that pretty much summed it up for me. Have you ever tried to fight love? It's an internal tug of war. So I decided last night, I am not going to fight it anymore. I can't imagine the end would hurt anymore than I was hurting the last few days and quite frankly if it does, well at least I jumped in with two feet and enjoyed the ride. If I am going to hurt, I might as well enjoy the ride. I learned that years ago with Mystery Man. I was always afraid he was going to leave, that I didn't totally allow myself to enjoy the time we had together. So after his second departure, I learned to say...okay, he's going to do this again and he will come back so enjoy the time together. And I did, and things felt so right. And yes, he left and I died inside again but I enjoyed our time together.
So now I said again....I am petrified this time. I am scared because of so many reasons but I need to set them aside. Ironically, what is scaring me more now is this funky darkness/sixth sense he has going on. If you don't believe in it, you will think I am insane but I believe in angels and spirits. I just hope my angels and my energy are able to combat that darkside of him. I hope he doesn't drain me. Did I tell you about the light's blowing out two weeks ago? Did I tell you how things fall and no one is around? I believe in that stuff to a point. not obsessed with it but I do believe in it. I think its time to go back to the psychic.
Anyway, I went off track a little. I asked him. when do you think we fell in love? And I knew when I thought it was. We were lying on my bed and he turned to me and he kissed me. And it was a kiss like I have never had in my life. I let all the walls down and totally gave 100% of my inner soul into that kiss. I felt a connection, I felt the energy, I felt the unity that I have never felt before in a kiss. And when he answered....he told me....for him it was that same kiss. I didn't say it first, I waited for him to tell me when it was...lol Yes, he felt that energy and that intenseness too. How crazy.....
So what are we doing? We have no fucking idea! We just know that we want each other and we feel good with each other and that is what we are going to go with. And will the road get rocky? OMG...it will be the sickest ride I have taken yet. But I am willing to see where it takes me. So be prepared because this one is going to make me need my blog and my blogger friends. It's so funny. When things are status quo, even when I was with Mr. Non Weekend, I didnt feel the urge to blog. Oh there are a few things I will catch up on, a summary so I have him in here. But I didn't need to blog...it didn't seem important. But now that I started writing again, I realize how good it is for me and how much it helps me.
And I am sorry for the confusion. I try to fill in the blanks sometimes and I know it gets hard to follow. but hopefully if I can blog regularly it will be easier. So today, its his birthday and we are on to see each other for just a little bit tonight. I bought him a special present that I had engraved. It's a notebook for him to put his creative thoughts. He's brilliant with inventions. Its his passion but he had to put it on hold in order to make money and support his family. But it hurts him so because he loves it. So i bought him this inventors notebook that has his name engraved on it for him to keep going with his ideas even though he can't act on them now. I also bought him a lava lamp because when we first met, he told me that he always wanted a lava lamp. I know he is going to be surprised that I remembered that.
So I am back to work. Feeling much more balanced and my heart is happy again. For how long, I do not know. but this time around, I am going to try and not fight love. I am going to try and just see where the world takes us.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
Hey Baby,
This is a very hard note for me to write. I usually don’t walk away from things when I know it is right. I knew you were headed for a really rough, rough road but I was willing to take that journey with you. I am used to rollercoasters in life and the joy,the fun and the connection we found -was worth the ride. But after Friday night, I realize now that you really do want to do it on your own.
I have been dating for awhile and never let someone in like I let you in. Why? Because there is just something there that was so special. I found this quote that touches on it….
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.”
Alexander Smith
The connection we found doesn’t come every day and it’s a hard thing to let go of. It’s hard to slow down something that feels so good. And now it is scary that we found something we may never find again. It’s scary that it is going to totally die, we are going to drift and we will never find each other again. But timing is everything and as much as it hurts—I guess we are going to have to let it lie there and always wonder what potential we had. Who knows, maybe we will find each other again, the timing will be right and we will have saved something special. Only time will tell.
I will tell you-I loved what we had these past two months. You made me feel so special. You made me feel alive, you made my body sing. Our kisses are kisses I never felt before. You have taught me it exists, and that I should never settle for less of a kiss or connection. Our rocking, our deep conversations, our sexual connection, our laughs, our similarities, the tub, your oral skills, you knowing how to make me cum, the shower, “yeah yeah”, our being the same person…lol, you knowing what I am thinking…..it was amazing! We never got to share a cream cheese and jelly sandwich though. We had so much in such a short period of time. Who knows, maybe we will be The Notebook.
My heart aches that you don’t want me there for you now. Promise me, you won’t disappear into that darkness. Promise me, you will try to look at the positive and have hope….and I promise you that it is going to work out if you fight the darkness. You have so much potential, I wish you believed in yourself. So, I am including two sheets of quotes….one, to remind you of what we had and how special it was and the other, to remind you of how much potential you have and to hopefully give you some support to help you find yourself.
I don’t want to say good by. I am glad we at least ended in an okay place, and I realized last night we both had the same fears and concerns. We can try and talk sometimes, if it doesn’t hurt too much.
I care a lot about you. I hope you find what you are looking for…
Xoxo
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
If Our Stars Align…Look out to the horizon,
A whole world lies beyond
The path of life shall guide you
And move you swiftly on,
There’s new things to discover
And unseen sights to see
The road stretches before you
No one knows just how far,
And whatever may befall you
Just remember who you are
If others try to change you,
Think who you want to be,
You’ll find you’ve reached your limit,
When you can go no more,
And you’ll always have our memories
Of good times we’ve had before
So when you’ve done with what you need to do,
And you remember the lost connection we had was key
Hopefully, we will be in the same place at that time and
And begin a new journey for you and me.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
I don't pretend to know what a special connection is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; connecting is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, connecting is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, connecting is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” Alexander Smith
If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was.
Or a version I thought you might like….If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it…(I had to add a little giggle! Lol)
If At First You Don’t Succeed.
Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You just didn’t succeed at that one thing.
It doesn’t mean– “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.
It doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.
It doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.
It doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.
It doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.
It doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973
Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be. ~Robert Brault,
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.~Dr. Alexis Carrel
If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet. ~Neil Simon
If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale
The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. Mark Caine
We make the world we live in and shape our own environment. Orison Swett Marden
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
Ideas shape the course of history. John Maynard Keynes
Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.
Nido Qubein
“But there is suffering in life & there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”
“You are the Fate of Your Own Destiny”-
This is a very hard note for me to write. I usually don’t walk away from things when I know it is right. I knew you were headed for a really rough, rough road but I was willing to take that journey with you. I am used to rollercoasters in life and the joy,the fun and the connection we found -was worth the ride. But after Friday night, I realize now that you really do want to do it on your own.
I have been dating for awhile and never let someone in like I let you in. Why? Because there is just something there that was so special. I found this quote that touches on it….
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.”
Alexander Smith
The connection we found doesn’t come every day and it’s a hard thing to let go of. It’s hard to slow down something that feels so good. And now it is scary that we found something we may never find again. It’s scary that it is going to totally die, we are going to drift and we will never find each other again. But timing is everything and as much as it hurts—I guess we are going to have to let it lie there and always wonder what potential we had. Who knows, maybe we will find each other again, the timing will be right and we will have saved something special. Only time will tell.
I will tell you-I loved what we had these past two months. You made me feel so special. You made me feel alive, you made my body sing. Our kisses are kisses I never felt before. You have taught me it exists, and that I should never settle for less of a kiss or connection. Our rocking, our deep conversations, our sexual connection, our laughs, our similarities, the tub, your oral skills, you knowing how to make me cum, the shower, “yeah yeah”, our being the same person…lol, you knowing what I am thinking…..it was amazing! We never got to share a cream cheese and jelly sandwich though. We had so much in such a short period of time. Who knows, maybe we will be The Notebook.
My heart aches that you don’t want me there for you now. Promise me, you won’t disappear into that darkness. Promise me, you will try to look at the positive and have hope….and I promise you that it is going to work out if you fight the darkness. You have so much potential, I wish you believed in yourself. So, I am including two sheets of quotes….one, to remind you of what we had and how special it was and the other, to remind you of how much potential you have and to hopefully give you some support to help you find yourself.
I don’t want to say good by. I am glad we at least ended in an okay place, and I realized last night we both had the same fears and concerns. We can try and talk sometimes, if it doesn’t hurt too much.
I care a lot about you. I hope you find what you are looking for…
Xoxo
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
If Our Stars Align…Look out to the horizon,
A whole world lies beyond
The path of life shall guide you
And move you swiftly on,
There’s new things to discover
And unseen sights to see
The road stretches before you
No one knows just how far,
And whatever may befall you
Just remember who you are
If others try to change you,
Think who you want to be,
You’ll find you’ve reached your limit,
When you can go no more,
And you’ll always have our memories
Of good times we’ve had before
So when you’ve done with what you need to do,
And you remember the lost connection we had was key
Hopefully, we will be in the same place at that time and
And begin a new journey for you and me.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
I don't pretend to know what a special connection is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; connecting is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, connecting is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, connecting is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” Alexander Smith
If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was.
Or a version I thought you might like….If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it…(I had to add a little giggle! Lol)
If At First You Don’t Succeed.
Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You just didn’t succeed at that one thing.
It doesn’t mean– “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.
It doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.
It doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.
It doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.
It doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.
It doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.
It doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.
People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973
Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be. ~Robert Brault,
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.~Dr. Alexis Carrel
If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet. ~Neil Simon
If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,
Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale
The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself. Mark Caine
We make the world we live in and shape our own environment. Orison Swett Marden
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
Ideas shape the course of history. John Maynard Keynes
Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.
Nido Qubein
“But there is suffering in life & there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”
“You are the Fate of Your Own Destiny”-
Monday, January 24, 2011
Mr. New Guy
Yes, Mr. New Guy and I have this crazy relationship or I should say had this crazy relationship. It was something we both didn't know how to deal with. With all the guys I met (with the exception of a few), it was fun, it was hot, it was not emotional. Then there were the married ones---that I fell for but always knew that they were married and never leaving their wives so that put a halt to my heart getting totally carried away.
So now here comes Mr. New Guy. Separated and just getting out of his marriage. I never understood why people stayed away from newly separated people....well now I know. He needs to experience, he needs to find himself and as he put it......he never expected to find me. He is a male version of me. We laugh like no one ever laughs, we talk about things that are so offbeat and we just enjoy each other to no end.
Last week, we laid in bed for two days. Had sex eight time I think, I came a trillion times. He knows exactly where my gspot is. He knows how to suck on my pussy so my entire body tingles and arches. He does what I do with a blow job. Listen for the moans, look for the movement and then orchestrate the perfect oral sex session to make the person go wild. He knows just how to suck on my clit, and bite it gently and lick it to make my whole body chiver and orgasm. My clit is engorged to the point of explosion. He's got it down to a science. He even knows i am stubborn and could cum sooner....so he knows how to make me not be able to take it anymore and totally give in to that wave of ecstay where my pussy is dripping and pulsating.
I cum when he fucks me, I cum when he fingers me, I cum when he eats me....the man just knows how to make me cum...and when he makes love to me......our souls melt into one.
Our kisses are nothing I have experienced before. Our souls entwine. Oh, there was once I did experience it but then Mystery Man ran for the hills the next day. This was the first time I could let myself experience it. Because this man was available. the kisses are slow, they are deep, you can feel your heart and soul surrender and almost come out of your body. It is the most hottest fucking thing I have ever experienced in my life. I gotta say, if you never experienced that---you better keep looking now because no one should go through life without that intenseness.
We lit candles and drank in my tub. The music playing, holding and playing with each other....he was the first man I let in my sacred tub. I told him my dreams, I told him how many hours I cried and built myself up in that tub, I told him how that tub was my sacred place. No one ever met the tub requirement. We laid there in each others arms and kissed as he wet my hair and we watched the moon and he told me how gorgeous I was and how he never thought in his entire life he has ever felt for someone like he had felt for me. And honestly, I never did either. A mutual love. A mutual caring. I have always felt my relationships to not be balanced. that I am such a giver and they would give but not as much as I did. this time, I felt there was more balance in how we felt for each other.
So what went wrong? a singles party his friend was throwing that he was attending. the reality that when he finally gets his place in the next few months, he is going to want to fuck around. so how do you go backwards? How do you have this and say....okay, we gotta take a break so I can sow my oats and then we can pick up again where we left off. I was pushing to see other people to try and keep it light but it wasn't working. I didn't want to see other people but wasn't ready to give up Mr. Non commital weekend. Who by the way, ironically, this weekend, just never called when he was suppose to pick me up so I threw him to the curb. How funny is that?!?
So the pressure between us and the jealousy of dating others and us realizing that timing is everything and instead of us beating each other up or getting deeper and deeper.....we decided to end it. I decided to end it. I couldn't take it. So I am the girl who is dealing with his depression, with his horrific divorce, with picking up the pieces and then he moves and finds someone who gets him all spanking together? He wants his space but we admit, we don't know how to do it. He feels the same way, he can't stand thinking about me out with others but he needs to build himself up.
So now what?! We need to put it on hold and hope we find each other again. he needs to get himself together and then maybe we have a better shot of surviving. Is he right for me? In some ways yes. In other ways no. There is a dark side to him that he has to deal with. I side that is scary....a side that if you believe in demons and the sixth sense. Well its a little out there. So there is that side of me that scares me but its not like I see it. but one night as we rocked and we talked....he told me things he's never told anyone.
So we said goodby because I told him it would hurt me too much to talk to him. And i have this deep, deep emptiness that I can't explain. I have never felt sooooo much emptiness. i have had emptiness but this actually hurts. It's a pain I can't explain.....its soooooooooo intense. I admit, I have been medicating with pills to help me deal. Not smart but I can't do it without them. ironically he told me he felt the same pain and described it exactly the same.
It's his birthday.....while I know I should just let it pass...I need to say Happy Birthday. What is this intenseness? Should I have just let it go and see where it went? Did I jump the gun? He said he needs to find himself yet he was here every night. I am in pain and lost.
And today I had to laugh, because obviously I have to go on with my work. I had five appointments. Amazing how you can put on a face and the world will think that everything is 100% okay. That you can function totally fine. And then I come home and the past two days I have to confess--for the first time in my life, I didn't care if I died in my sleep.
Oh its not him. There are other things going on. When I saved the house years ago, they told me the rate would change in 2011. They didn't mention it would change every six months.....issues with my aging parents, issues with the kids, issues with my ex, losing my weekend babysitter, issues with work and then the broken heart (losing two guys in one day). Oh I am also being blackmailed with my blog. It was as if my week just fell apart. It all unraveled at once. It all spiraled and I can't stop it from spiraling. Ive come so far and I feel like I am starting over. I don't know if I have the strength.
Due to this new blackmail/stalker situation, you will find that all comments need to be approved before I allow them to go on. Sorry for the change but I had to do it for now, I promise I am not censoring, i will post them all, i just need to work this out. Most of you have been lifesavers for me throughout the years. In fact, your support has helped me build a new life, given me the strength and I cannot thank you all enough. But as in the past, there is always someone who just feels they can't let me be.
xoxo Pray for me during these tough times. I will post my letter to Mr. New Guy...
So now here comes Mr. New Guy. Separated and just getting out of his marriage. I never understood why people stayed away from newly separated people....well now I know. He needs to experience, he needs to find himself and as he put it......he never expected to find me. He is a male version of me. We laugh like no one ever laughs, we talk about things that are so offbeat and we just enjoy each other to no end.
Last week, we laid in bed for two days. Had sex eight time I think, I came a trillion times. He knows exactly where my gspot is. He knows how to suck on my pussy so my entire body tingles and arches. He does what I do with a blow job. Listen for the moans, look for the movement and then orchestrate the perfect oral sex session to make the person go wild. He knows just how to suck on my clit, and bite it gently and lick it to make my whole body chiver and orgasm. My clit is engorged to the point of explosion. He's got it down to a science. He even knows i am stubborn and could cum sooner....so he knows how to make me not be able to take it anymore and totally give in to that wave of ecstay where my pussy is dripping and pulsating.
I cum when he fucks me, I cum when he fingers me, I cum when he eats me....the man just knows how to make me cum...and when he makes love to me......our souls melt into one.
Our kisses are nothing I have experienced before. Our souls entwine. Oh, there was once I did experience it but then Mystery Man ran for the hills the next day. This was the first time I could let myself experience it. Because this man was available. the kisses are slow, they are deep, you can feel your heart and soul surrender and almost come out of your body. It is the most hottest fucking thing I have ever experienced in my life. I gotta say, if you never experienced that---you better keep looking now because no one should go through life without that intenseness.
We lit candles and drank in my tub. The music playing, holding and playing with each other....he was the first man I let in my sacred tub. I told him my dreams, I told him how many hours I cried and built myself up in that tub, I told him how that tub was my sacred place. No one ever met the tub requirement. We laid there in each others arms and kissed as he wet my hair and we watched the moon and he told me how gorgeous I was and how he never thought in his entire life he has ever felt for someone like he had felt for me. And honestly, I never did either. A mutual love. A mutual caring. I have always felt my relationships to not be balanced. that I am such a giver and they would give but not as much as I did. this time, I felt there was more balance in how we felt for each other.
So what went wrong? a singles party his friend was throwing that he was attending. the reality that when he finally gets his place in the next few months, he is going to want to fuck around. so how do you go backwards? How do you have this and say....okay, we gotta take a break so I can sow my oats and then we can pick up again where we left off. I was pushing to see other people to try and keep it light but it wasn't working. I didn't want to see other people but wasn't ready to give up Mr. Non commital weekend. Who by the way, ironically, this weekend, just never called when he was suppose to pick me up so I threw him to the curb. How funny is that?!?
So the pressure between us and the jealousy of dating others and us realizing that timing is everything and instead of us beating each other up or getting deeper and deeper.....we decided to end it. I decided to end it. I couldn't take it. So I am the girl who is dealing with his depression, with his horrific divorce, with picking up the pieces and then he moves and finds someone who gets him all spanking together? He wants his space but we admit, we don't know how to do it. He feels the same way, he can't stand thinking about me out with others but he needs to build himself up.
So now what?! We need to put it on hold and hope we find each other again. he needs to get himself together and then maybe we have a better shot of surviving. Is he right for me? In some ways yes. In other ways no. There is a dark side to him that he has to deal with. I side that is scary....a side that if you believe in demons and the sixth sense. Well its a little out there. So there is that side of me that scares me but its not like I see it. but one night as we rocked and we talked....he told me things he's never told anyone.
So we said goodby because I told him it would hurt me too much to talk to him. And i have this deep, deep emptiness that I can't explain. I have never felt sooooo much emptiness. i have had emptiness but this actually hurts. It's a pain I can't explain.....its soooooooooo intense. I admit, I have been medicating with pills to help me deal. Not smart but I can't do it without them. ironically he told me he felt the same pain and described it exactly the same.
It's his birthday.....while I know I should just let it pass...I need to say Happy Birthday. What is this intenseness? Should I have just let it go and see where it went? Did I jump the gun? He said he needs to find himself yet he was here every night. I am in pain and lost.
And today I had to laugh, because obviously I have to go on with my work. I had five appointments. Amazing how you can put on a face and the world will think that everything is 100% okay. That you can function totally fine. And then I come home and the past two days I have to confess--for the first time in my life, I didn't care if I died in my sleep.
Oh its not him. There are other things going on. When I saved the house years ago, they told me the rate would change in 2011. They didn't mention it would change every six months.....issues with my aging parents, issues with the kids, issues with my ex, losing my weekend babysitter, issues with work and then the broken heart (losing two guys in one day). Oh I am also being blackmailed with my blog. It was as if my week just fell apart. It all unraveled at once. It all spiraled and I can't stop it from spiraling. Ive come so far and I feel like I am starting over. I don't know if I have the strength.
Due to this new blackmail/stalker situation, you will find that all comments need to be approved before I allow them to go on. Sorry for the change but I had to do it for now, I promise I am not censoring, i will post them all, i just need to work this out. Most of you have been lifesavers for me throughout the years. In fact, your support has helped me build a new life, given me the strength and I cannot thank you all enough. But as in the past, there is always someone who just feels they can't let me be.
xoxo Pray for me during these tough times. I will post my letter to Mr. New Guy...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What Is Your Worth?
Sadly, I find myself returning to my blog only when there is inner turmoil. The New Guy and I have been going strong for two months. I found what I wanted. Someone who is falling in love with me. Except be careful for what you wish for....you see, there is always wishes that come true and you forget to ask for the entire wish. I forgot to wish that the timing would be right and we would be in the same place at the same time. He hasn't had his chance to see other people really. So I told him the door should be open.
Tonight there is a big party for singles. Over 200 people going and his friend is running it. He doesn't want me there. Why? He said because he can't bear to see me flirting with other people. Truth is...he wants to be with his friends and flirt his ass off. It's tearing me up inside. I can't believe how much it hurts. It kills me that he knows I am hurting but there is nothing for us to do. I don't want him not to go to the party. It's his party. But I can't stand the thought of him flirting with all these girls. I cannot believe the emptiness and pain I am feeling over this.
I told him I had a date tonight. I did with Mr. Porsche. Unfortunately, he's been so distant. I don't feel appreciated by him at all lately. So you forgot the holidays and I haven't seen you in two months and now you just want to meet and fuck me? You have no time for dinner even?
Mr. Non Committed Weekends turns out is seeing me on Saturday. He's been wonderful. Came over at 1AM to help me out with my heat...he's a giver. But I am not as attracted to him as I am Mr. Porsche and The New Guy.
The New Guy and I had a sexfest weekend. eight times we had phenomenal sex this weekend. I am really into him. Emotionally and physically. But I cant get past this thing tonight. What do I do? Problem is, I see this being a pretty regular thing, me thinking he's out dating--it kills me. I never felt like this before. It's tearing me up alive. I know its a double standard but I have to figure out how to deal with it. What should I do? How do I handle it? My idea is to pull back a little. Talk to him less, see him less....too much too soon. I think that is the only way we are going to be able to survive. You think? It kills to hear him say he is falling in love with me but yet he is out searching for other women.
And as for Mr. Porsche. I feel taken advantage of. His work is overwhelming, I am totally understanding but we haven't seen each other for so long and he just sandwiches me in. I do not want just a fuck today. I want to feel wanted. Dinner, time together and then a fuck. He has no time. I am actually sending him a note and cancelling on him.
So what do I want? I feel wanted by both but I want to feel special. I want to feel important in their lives. I feel my worth is more than both are showing me right now. I haven't been this down in so long. I admit it, I didn't drink but did pop a few pills to relax because I was shaking. I am going backwards not forwards. Its effecting my life, my work. I need to pull back together. I feel like the world is just spinning out of control. I need to get off for a little bit.
Tonight there is a big party for singles. Over 200 people going and his friend is running it. He doesn't want me there. Why? He said because he can't bear to see me flirting with other people. Truth is...he wants to be with his friends and flirt his ass off. It's tearing me up inside. I can't believe how much it hurts. It kills me that he knows I am hurting but there is nothing for us to do. I don't want him not to go to the party. It's his party. But I can't stand the thought of him flirting with all these girls. I cannot believe the emptiness and pain I am feeling over this.
I told him I had a date tonight. I did with Mr. Porsche. Unfortunately, he's been so distant. I don't feel appreciated by him at all lately. So you forgot the holidays and I haven't seen you in two months and now you just want to meet and fuck me? You have no time for dinner even?
Mr. Non Committed Weekends turns out is seeing me on Saturday. He's been wonderful. Came over at 1AM to help me out with my heat...he's a giver. But I am not as attracted to him as I am Mr. Porsche and The New Guy.
The New Guy and I had a sexfest weekend. eight times we had phenomenal sex this weekend. I am really into him. Emotionally and physically. But I cant get past this thing tonight. What do I do? Problem is, I see this being a pretty regular thing, me thinking he's out dating--it kills me. I never felt like this before. It's tearing me up alive. I know its a double standard but I have to figure out how to deal with it. What should I do? How do I handle it? My idea is to pull back a little. Talk to him less, see him less....too much too soon. I think that is the only way we are going to be able to survive. You think? It kills to hear him say he is falling in love with me but yet he is out searching for other women.
And as for Mr. Porsche. I feel taken advantage of. His work is overwhelming, I am totally understanding but we haven't seen each other for so long and he just sandwiches me in. I do not want just a fuck today. I want to feel wanted. Dinner, time together and then a fuck. He has no time. I am actually sending him a note and cancelling on him.
So what do I want? I feel wanted by both but I want to feel special. I want to feel important in their lives. I feel my worth is more than both are showing me right now. I haven't been this down in so long. I admit it, I didn't drink but did pop a few pills to relax because I was shaking. I am going backwards not forwards. Its effecting my life, my work. I need to pull back together. I feel like the world is just spinning out of control. I need to get off for a little bit.
Saturday, January 08, 2011
Mr. New Guy is Now Mr. No More
I fell in love I fell hard. I had a relationship that lasted 6 weeks but was filled with more hot sex and quality time than a six month relationship. And now, its over and I am crushed. I haven't felt such pain in a long time, tears out of control and today I just can't stop crying. Not all for him, I hadn't been able to cry for months. It was if I was numb even if I wanted to cry I couldn't cry. It was if there was a cork in the cry arena and then when it opened last night, I have been crying and crying and crying. It's funky. I am sitting here now and the tears just flowing out of my eyes and I can't stop.
I wish I would have blogged what happened. I truly do because it was amazing. He was a male version of me. We would giggle and laugh, we had so much in common. We liked the same things as kids, I mean crazy food combinations, we could finish each others sentences, he knew thngs that no body knew about me. We spoke and spooned after making love and spoke for hours. He told me things he had never told anyone, he even cried to me and shared the most intimate of thoughts. I honestly had never been involved, I think EVER, in a relationship with a man that was so intimate and emotional. I never let someone get so close. He was involved with my kids, my friends, my family...
I would melt into his kisses, I never felt so connected....we became one with these soft kisses that were scary. We both were falling in love, we admitted it. We spent almost every day together. I shared my desires, my wants...he shared his desires, his inner demons. What the fuck is with me finding men that have this deep dark side? Now gotta tell you, his dark side is not like anyone elses though. We are talking intense. I don't even want to get into that now because part of me was scared from it. You know I believe in angels and the devil. He leaned toward the devil and I am not saying that lightly. the inner turmoil, visions and dreams he had were insane. One day I will go into detail. It was another case of me wanting to save a soul. However, this soul needed more than me. My heart aches for him. I felt his turmoil. Anyway I do feel lighter today. That side of him was hard to understand. It's for the best, last thing I need is the devil in my life. Hahaha it sounds nuts writing it but amazing.
I think this took me for a loop because it just happened. One minute we were discussing where we were going last night and then we were over. It started over a cream cheese and jelly sandwich....lol about me not going to the gym. And then it escalated. Truth is, I freaked on him about him sitting on the dating website. Like as if I wasn't enough for him. That is always the downfall of those sites. If you go on even if you agree you are just dating, its no big deal as long as you don't get close. Another problem was that while I wanted to date other people, we both were jealous of us dating other people. I had two dates in the six weeks with other people. Mr. Non Commital Weekend and Mr. Porsche. I almost ended them both for him. I almost told Mr. Porsche I needed a break. We've been cooling it a lot. I don't know I am a wreck today.
So cheri finally found an emotional connection that was amazing. Okay, now I need to put all these guys together for my Prince Charming. I was doing so well, I need to re-build....this took a lot out of me. Do I rush on and just start dating again? do I sit back and re-group? Of course you know I jumped on and in ten minutes made two dates from guys who I had put on hold when he walked into my life. And then you know there is a little spiteful part to me. Bad quality I know. But he had taken this sexy pix of me and I am now using it as my main pix on the dating site. I know he wants to kill me. I took a pix of us and cropped him out and put it up there too. Okay, I am angry and hurt. I will take it down after he sees it.
Why can't I just find simplicity and happiness?
I wish I would have blogged what happened. I truly do because it was amazing. He was a male version of me. We would giggle and laugh, we had so much in common. We liked the same things as kids, I mean crazy food combinations, we could finish each others sentences, he knew thngs that no body knew about me. We spoke and spooned after making love and spoke for hours. He told me things he had never told anyone, he even cried to me and shared the most intimate of thoughts. I honestly had never been involved, I think EVER, in a relationship with a man that was so intimate and emotional. I never let someone get so close. He was involved with my kids, my friends, my family...
I would melt into his kisses, I never felt so connected....we became one with these soft kisses that were scary. We both were falling in love, we admitted it. We spent almost every day together. I shared my desires, my wants...he shared his desires, his inner demons. What the fuck is with me finding men that have this deep dark side? Now gotta tell you, his dark side is not like anyone elses though. We are talking intense. I don't even want to get into that now because part of me was scared from it. You know I believe in angels and the devil. He leaned toward the devil and I am not saying that lightly. the inner turmoil, visions and dreams he had were insane. One day I will go into detail. It was another case of me wanting to save a soul. However, this soul needed more than me. My heart aches for him. I felt his turmoil. Anyway I do feel lighter today. That side of him was hard to understand. It's for the best, last thing I need is the devil in my life. Hahaha it sounds nuts writing it but amazing.
I think this took me for a loop because it just happened. One minute we were discussing where we were going last night and then we were over. It started over a cream cheese and jelly sandwich....lol about me not going to the gym. And then it escalated. Truth is, I freaked on him about him sitting on the dating website. Like as if I wasn't enough for him. That is always the downfall of those sites. If you go on even if you agree you are just dating, its no big deal as long as you don't get close. Another problem was that while I wanted to date other people, we both were jealous of us dating other people. I had two dates in the six weeks with other people. Mr. Non Commital Weekend and Mr. Porsche. I almost ended them both for him. I almost told Mr. Porsche I needed a break. We've been cooling it a lot. I don't know I am a wreck today.
So cheri finally found an emotional connection that was amazing. Okay, now I need to put all these guys together for my Prince Charming. I was doing so well, I need to re-build....this took a lot out of me. Do I rush on and just start dating again? do I sit back and re-group? Of course you know I jumped on and in ten minutes made two dates from guys who I had put on hold when he walked into my life. And then you know there is a little spiteful part to me. Bad quality I know. But he had taken this sexy pix of me and I am now using it as my main pix on the dating site. I know he wants to kill me. I took a pix of us and cropped him out and put it up there too. Okay, I am angry and hurt. I will take it down after he sees it.
Why can't I just find simplicity and happiness?
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