Have you ever tried to fight love?

The emptiness hurt so much. I could feel a whole in my heart and stomach, it really encompassed my entire chest. Why did we end? There was no specific reason except he needs to find himself and didn't plan on falling in love. Well I didn't plan on falling for him either. Sigh...

At 12:01AM, I sent him a text....Happy Birthday! Wooo Hooo.. xoxoxo

He immediately wrote back, "without even looking at my phone, I knew it was you. And the emptiness in my chest seemed to lighten. These last two days have been hell, I can't think, I can't eat, I have just been thinking about how much I miss you and how insane it is".

He explained how I was feeling to a tee. He was feeling exactly how I was feeling. Empty and lost without him in my life. I called him and we spoke for the next three hours.

He told me how he doesn't care about finding himself because without me he is even more lost. That I am the only sunshine in his life (of course besides his kids) and that the thought of me makes his insides fill with joy. That he was feeling darker and darker and no matter where he turned he would have a flashback of my smile, or think about us together....he was living an internal torture. And for what? I don't know how but I want you in my life that's all I know. I can't make promises, I can't promise it won't be a rocky road but I do not want to be without you. I am either falling in love with you or I am in love with you and I am just fighting it because the timing is wrong. But its ridiculous and I want you.

Well that pretty much summed it up for me. Have you ever tried to fight love? It's an internal tug of war. So I decided last night, I am not going to fight it anymore. I can't imagine the end would hurt anymore than I was hurting the last few days and quite frankly if it does, well at least I jumped in with two feet and enjoyed the ride. If I am going to hurt, I might as well enjoy the ride. I learned that years ago with Mystery Man. I was always afraid he was going to leave, that I didn't totally allow myself to enjoy the time we had together. So after his second departure, I learned to say...okay, he's going to do this again and he will come back so enjoy the time together. And I did, and things felt so right. And yes, he left and I died inside again but I enjoyed our time together.

So now I said again....I am petrified this time. I am scared because of so many reasons but I need to set them aside. Ironically, what is scaring me more now is this funky darkness/sixth sense he has going on. If you don't believe in it, you will think I am insane but I believe in angels and spirits. I just hope my angels and my energy are able to combat that darkside of him. I hope he doesn't drain me. Did I tell you about the light's blowing out two weeks ago? Did I tell you how things fall and no one is around? I believe in that stuff to a point. not obsessed with it but I do believe in it. I think its time to go back to the psychic.

Anyway, I went off track a little. I asked him. when do you think we fell in love? And I knew when I thought it was. We were lying on my bed and he turned to me and he kissed me. And it was a kiss like I have never had in my life. I let all the walls down and totally gave 100% of my inner soul into that kiss. I felt a connection, I felt the energy, I felt the unity that I have never felt before in a kiss. And when he answered....he told me....for him it was that same kiss. I didn't say it first, I waited for him to tell me when it was...lol Yes, he felt that energy and that intenseness too. How crazy.....

So what are we doing? We have no fucking idea! We just know that we want each other and we feel good with each other and that is what we are going to go with. And will the road get rocky? OMG...it will be the sickest ride I have taken yet. But I am willing to see where it takes me. So be prepared because this one is going to make me need my blog and my blogger friends. It's so funny. When things are status quo, even when I was with Mr. Non Weekend, I didnt feel the urge to blog. Oh there are a few things I will catch up on, a summary so I have him in here. But I didn't need to blog...it didn't seem important. But now that I started writing again, I realize how good it is for me and how much it helps me.

And I am sorry for the confusion. I try to fill in the blanks sometimes and I know it gets hard to follow. but hopefully if I can blog regularly it will be easier. So today, its his birthday and we are on to see each other for just a little bit tonight. I bought him a special present that I had engraved. It's a notebook for him to put his creative thoughts. He's brilliant with inventions. Its his passion but he had to put it on hold in order to make money and support his family. But it hurts him so because he loves it. So i bought him this inventors notebook that has his name engraved on it for him to keep going with his ideas even though he can't act on them now. I also bought him a lava lamp because when we first met, he told me that he always wanted a lava lamp. I know he is going to be surprised that I remembered that.

So I am back to work. Feeling much more balanced and my heart is happy again. For how long, I do not know. but this time around, I am going to try and not fight love. I am going to try and just see where the world takes us.