A No Win Situation - A RANT!!

I have a 24 hour rule on things. When you are upset...you don't write for 24 hours or even confront the person. Mainly because you are usuall irrational. If you think about it, then you usually calm down and see things differently.

Tonight, I make an exception to the rule. I am so angry, so angry that I can feel the veins popping in my neck. I feel like I was set up. There is one person who can manipulate me and get under my veins. And that is Soulmate Chris.

SO this is not a sexual post.....it is a rant. I haven't ranted in awhile...so I apologize but I have to get it off my chest (36D is already a lot to carry around).

Today was a great day!!! Started off by having a great chat with my tadpole friend!! Followed by a great heart to heart with Mr . Heart. Spoke with six pack and realized that I made the right choice by throwing him in the blender.....(another time for that one..its worth the writing--he's off on wild threesomes and asked me to join)....okay, back to my anger. Ending with a little IM with Curious George. A happy and complete day...... then an email comes in.

Soulmate Chris and I have always been either really on or really off. It's been over for a while. I wrote him a closure letter and got back 4 lines--
"My life is stressd and busy, I have no time for a new friend. I met someone else and hardly have time to talk to her. It's not goodby for us. We'll be friends again someday". Something like that.

well I was really hurt. He considered me a new friend?? Since last july, we have been friends. I am not going to get into our relationship. But I fucked the man. I thought he was my soulmate. Then he moved to my closest friend. I tried to be there for him...

And he met someone else. He was the one who lectured me on how horrible it was that I was fucking around and that I should find me. Stop looking, he said he wasn't looking. Oh, so did she pop up at his door step?

I didn't answer for two weeks. tonight (like a fucking fool--I answered). For over a week, I have been feeling him. sounds strange but I have been wanting to contact him all week.

I wrote back-- I got your email. It hurt to hear that you thought of me as a new friend (ouch -lol). I am happy for you that you have found someone. (a little hypocritical that you always made me feel bad that I was looking for someone).

But Chris, I am really happy for you. Both our lives have been crazy, you helped me through part of the worst time in my life (thank you). You will always be a special friend to me. Something like that.......WELLLLLLLLLLL

His mom passed away. I felt like a rock was thrown at my head. She had been very sick but had been doing better. He would take care of her . I'm sure it was hard on him--maybe why I was feeling him all week BUT.......he attacked me.

He wrote back: "My mom passed away. All you care about is yourself to send me cruel emails. You are selfish and only care about your life. I have no time for a friend like you. Don't try to reach out to me. I'm not mad at you.
"
What the fuck???????????? I have always been there for him. ALWAYS!! 99% of our relationship was about him and his stress, his selfish wife, his mom being sick, his hard times at work....him, him, him. His podcast, his website.....I was always there for him. Now you all know me, I am in shock. I am sooooo angry. He knows I feel like shit now. How was I suppose to know about his mom?

Its as if he likes to twist things to always make me be the bad person. I am such a giver. when I care about a friend it is all about them. I gave so much to him. I am stunned right now. And he knew his mom passing was going to make me want to reach out to him---and he just pushed me away and slammed me at the same time.

I'm so sad. I am the type of person who has friends for life. I have no enemies. And to think, someone who i felt so close to, is now the only person in the world who is so angry and bitter towards me.

I wrote back how sorry I was about his mom.. what a great son he had always been. that I was not trying to be sarcastic or cruel BUT my note was sincere. I don't understand why you have so much hate towards me.
you will always be a special friend to me and I will always be there for you if you need me. I know you don't need me now but I will always be there if you need me. "

I don't understand men. I give up with Chris. No matter what I say--it hasn't been right. He seems to have so much anger towards me. I don't understand why.

Okay---I'm off to bed. My story about being invited to be a part of a foursome will have to wait till tomorrow. I also met a porn star. Oh well! Talk about having the sexual desire just SUCKED out of ya!! Damn.......